I haven't been updating, i realize that... But i feel like im going to explode if i dont get something down. And, seeing as i have no pen or paper in this place, I might as well vent here.

I love christmas, let me start out with that. I enjoy giving the gifts i get people, far more than recieving anything. This year I have been terribly excited for christmas because I'd convinced myself that my gift to my younger brother was going to blow his socks off. What I lacked was a reality check.

Come christmas, MY younger brother could only sneer as each gift went past his nose. When he opened the gift I'd chosen to give him, he just sniffed and said a dissappointed "oh". I almost broke down crying right then and there. Oh well, that's what I get for getting my hopes up. Christmas this year was awkward, and somewhat isolated. It was extremely depressing as well...

First of all, Poppa (my mother's father) said that i was buit rather sturdily and looked to weigh around 130lbs. Secondly, he said it in front of a lot of my family, and third. I don't weigh close to that. He said i was thickly built, and that i wasn't the most slender person he'd ever met. I am perfectly aware of that. I dont need it pointed out. Then he called me too young to understand weight problems. Excuse fucking me for being so god damn tank-ish.

On top of that, my mom is racing around acting like we dont exist. Im used to it, its like this every christmas. But if i ask her whats up, or am looking for something to eat that isnt pop-tarts, she snaps at me. I dont know why she's so furious with me, we've barely exchanged more than thank-you for the gifts.

On another foot, though, poppa is doing better. He's missing a part of his skull, but he's up and about with his walker, dubbed "george". I also saw my Uncle, Jim. HE looks terrible. He's gained a lot of weight, and he has trouble getting up and around without assistance. His feet are red and swollen and painful to look at. His hair is gone, he has no more beard. HE's not got a lot of energy, and can barely project his voice. On top of that his physical therapy has stopped because he doesn't have the energy to do it anymore.

However, his mind is sharp and thats a good thing. I've been staying up late, sometimes well into the morning til about 3 or 4. I like to think about life, and right now about my aunt and how she's coping with Jim. IT must be scary, to wake up one morning and find out that your husband is decaying in front of your eyes, and not have any way to help him.

That reminds me of my very good friend. Her step-aunt isn't doing well. In fact, shes got a 30% chance of living. She's 35, and dying. She called me, crying. I didn't know what to do, but i mumbled my way though it, and eventually got her laughing. I hope she's doing alright. She's lost so much, she doesn't deserve to have more taken away from her.

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ME, personally, my feelings for the past month have been on a roller coaster. When I'm not fighting, or crying, I find myself feeling at peace, and carefree. Like everything could go to hell and it wouldn't matter. Like... Like i could get hit by an 18wheeler, snap my neck and die, and I'd feel alright with it, and die with no regrets.

On the other hand, I have this ball of fire inside me. This anger I can't get rid of. MY parent's always tell me it's because i hold onto the bad things that have happened to me... It's true, but I dont know how to let go of them. IT's not even that. I'm just angry with myself, with who i am, what i look like, how i act how i think. My grades, my ability to preform. Thing's I'd LIKE to change but CANT at the same time.

I really don't know what's going on, what's going to happen, and who the fuck I am, why everyone always puts up with me, and how I can go through life being me, without everyone I know wanting to shoot me through my heart. I just wish, sometimes, that I could just be... That i could fade,
fade away from everyone.
fade away from the world.
From Existance and my very being.
To join the forces of the universe and be forever forgotten.
I'm disgusted with the world.
With myself.
And in turn,
the world is disgusted with me.
Im tired
I just want the pain to go away
I just want to be good enough for someone who knows nothing about me to look at me and see that there is a balance in my life between this 14 year old girl and the mind behind it.
I want to be good enough for the world
I dont know what I have to prove
I dont know what I have to do
Hell I barely know what I want anymore
i just want everything to be Ok... if that makes sense


to be ok with me
to be ok with change
for everyone to be ok
to not worry
so that my aunt can sleep at night
so that my cousin wont cut her tan skin anymore
so that there's no fighting
no pain
no silent wars between family members
no mourning of death
numbness... I've been there, it's not pretty... and i was free... but i find myself slipping back into it... I dont want to go there again